Bugger and Blast
by UselessWreckage
Summary: Merlin needs Gaius's help after an unfortunate incident in Arthur's chambers. Probably one of the silliest things I've ever written.


The Court Physician of Camelot was calmly rearranging his shelf of potions. His apprentice was elsewhere, presumably performing the orders of Prince Arthur, or perhaps making it his business to save the day, as was his wont. Gaius was glad of the peace and quiet the moment offered him; there was no sound but the clinking of glass and the gentle snores of Bill, a heavy set man and Gaius's patient, who was currently dozing off on the Physician's bench after receiving treatment. Indeed, the old man's greatest annoyance that day had been an unforeseen lack of eggs, which was hardly life threatening. A nice, calm, and _good_ day altogether, in fact.

When Merlin came barging into the quarters, Gaius thought to himself that he should have expected something to ruin the quiet. Quiet was not the life he led, and simply not a word that was allowed to describe his existence for more than a few moments at a time. The boy looked quite disturbed. His face was puffy, his hair was a mess, and his clothes were dishevelled.

"Gaius," he announced, "We need your help."

"What on Earth's the matter?" the Physician exclaimed, eyeing Merlin with concern. Merlin's gaze drifted over to Bill, evidently worried by the man's presence.

"Oh, don't mind him; I gave him a compound that will leave him unconscious for a while still. You can speak freely."

"Right," the boy mumbled, keeping his eyes on the sleeping man as if he were suspicious that he might spring alert any second. When this didn't happen, he quickly turned his attention back to Gaius.

"I, er, your presence is required in the Prince's chambers. The King came calling, and he has, er, collapsed. He'll be fine," he hastily reassured when Gaius's eyebrows flew up in surprise, "He just, eh, well, he entered the room, and I suppose you could tell him that he fell over due to stress? And that may well explain," he swallowed, "Why he doesn't remember anything from the last ten minutes before it happened, either."

"What? You've meddled with the King's memory? Merlin, that is very dangerous, and - "

"I didn't have much of a choice," Merlin defended, waving is arms frantically, a hint of panic in his voice. Gaius furrowed his brow.

"What did you do?" he asked calmly, but frightfully menacingly for such a genial person. Merlin drew his breath to answer, but then thought better of it.

"Doesn't matter," he mumbled, rubbing his forehead with one hand, "I _really_ don't think I should say."

Gaius merely crossed his arms and raised one of his eyebrows.

After a moment of this stare and one last look towards the sleeping Bill, Merlin caved, pressing his eyes shut and his face into a grimace as if bracing himself.

"He may or may not have walked in on his son being buggered by a sorcerer."

The words came out high pitched and incredibly fast. He tentatively opened one eye to watch his guardian's scandalised face as Gaius's mouth fell agape.

"_Merlin_!" he hissed sharply, the usual exasperation in his tone heavily amplified with outrage.

"I know, I know," Merlin groaned guiltily, "I should have made sure the door was bolted."

Unbolted doors seemed to Gaius to be the least problematic of the circumstances. He would like to know why on Earth Merlin thought it was a good idea to _bugger_ the Prince in the first place. On second thought, no, no, he did definitely not want to know any more about that.

"And he identified you as a _sorcerer_?" was the inquiry that he uttered at last. Merlin grimaced sheepishly, running a hand through his hair.

"It was, eh, pretty obvious."

Gaius waved a dismissive hand in his direction, exactly what that statement meant was another thing he didn't wish to hear about. He swiped some choice concoctions from his almost entirely tidy shelf, and headed for the door.

"Right. I had better go see to our monarch, then. No," he said, holding a hand out to stop Merlin when he made to follow him out, "You stay here and look after young Wilhelm. When he awakes, I suspect he'll need someone to lean on on the way home; his foot is not doing well and we have no crutches his size. Oh, and Merlin," he stuck his head back into the room, already halfway through the door at this point in his speech, "Much as I appreciate your wish to be frank with me, I'd be happier if you'd refrain from talking about _buggery_. That is the sort of detail I do not need to know."

Merlin nodded, red as a cherry, and resigned himself to staring at the floor, chastised.

Gaius hurried up to Prince Arthur's quarters where, sure enough, he found a very confused Uther Pendragon sitting in a most comfortable chair by the fireplace, attended by his son.

"Ah, Gaius," Arthur said upon his entrance, "How good of you to come so quickly. My father had just entered the room when he collapsed, and - "

"Yes, Merlin explained the situation to me," Gaius said curtly, giving Arthur a look that could not be misconstrued as any sort of ignorance about the events leading up to this situation. The Prince's eyes widened, his face turning white and then pink as he looked away. Gaius went to examine the King, which was mostly pointless, given that he already knew Merlin to be the cause of the fall, but making sure that the King had not suffered any scrapes as he fell.

"Did you manage to catch him? Break his fall?"

"No, he was out of reach as I was on my - " Arthur bit his lip and amended himself, "_By _my desk. But there was, um, a convenient pillow."

Gaius glanced around the room to see the Prince busying himself with tidying the aforementioned desk, and a large cushion lying on the floor a few feet away from where the king sat on his chair.

"Ah, yes," he said, "So there is. How lucky."

"I suppose Merlin's shoddy tidying does come in handy some times," Prince Arthur japed in a shaky voice.

"Yes, apparently, your bootless servant does have his uses," Uther agreed, and Gaius had to stifle an urge to chuckle brought on by the audible gulp coming from the direction of the Prince's desk.

"How are you feeling, Sire?" the Physician asked.

"I'm fine. But it's very strange. I had a mind to visit Arthur and ask his opinion on a few matters before the evening council as he is not able to be present, but I cannot recall actually making the journey."

Gaius nodded gravely along with the King's words.

"You have been very busy lately, Sire. At your age, too much stress can cause all sorts of perils. If you have suffered this kind of memory loss, I would recommend you get some rest. Might I suggest you take the evening off? I am sure Arthur would be able to cancel his plans and take your place in council, given the change of circumstances."

They both turned to the Prince, who looked for a moment as if he might protest. It was clear from his face that there were many things he'd rather occupy himself with than a late council meeting, mainly, no doubt, a distraction currently balancing an injured and drowsy workman through the Lower Town. But it was only a moment before he bowed his head.

"Of course," he said, "It would be an honour."

"Very well, then," said Uther, getting up after exchanging a questioning glance with Gaius, who nodded his permission, "I shall have my boy bring you my papers."

With that, he took his leave. Before Gaius saw fit to do likewise, he approached Arthur, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Be careful," he implored simply.

Arthur winced, but nodded gratefully. He could not remember ever being this embarrassed by anything in his life, but embarrassment was, after all, far from the worst possible outcome of the day's unfortunate incident.


End file.
